How the Mighty Have Fallen

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I never wanted to date a drug addict – now I am marrying one in less than a month. I didn’t think things could get this bad, but if there is Hell on Earth, this is what it would be like. I’ve wanted 4 things all my life – and I wanted them so badly before I turned 40. I wanted a fantastic job, a brand new car, a lovely apartment, and a man who loved and adored me the way I wanted to be loved. What I realized was, God, gave me all these things before I turned 40, but with a “punishment clause.” God said, Lynn, I am going to provide you with your happiness and everything you dreamed about – but it will cost you your heart, your sanity, and your sobriety.

I am bipolar, and I am an alcoholic. Now, I am a crack and cocaine addict, thanks to my fiance. I tried it with him because I grew tired of fighting with him so much, crying every night, and watching my bank account shrink to almost nothing. After all, he was bullying me for money. So, I tried it. Now I want more. He is out there, driving around in my brand new car with the phone I gave him (that is currently turned off so I can’t call him). He is using me, he doesn’t respect me, and I don’t respect myself. I am drowning so far down that even when he hit me because I refused to give him money, I turned around and picked him up off the ground and gave him his money after someone hit him for hitting me. I never thought in a million years my life could be this bad – this horrible, where my insides burn in pain. We have everything – we have each other, now the drugs are in both our lives and I feel sick all the time.

Dear God, help me. I am not going to make it.

I honestly don’t want to leave him – what I really want to do is die. I don’t want to live no more really, because I have suffered so much in my life with men using me and this bipolar bullshit I just don’t want to do it anymore.

As the tears fall from my face as I type this, I will pray for this simple truth – in the world we live in today with all this disease and activism and death, could Jesus really hear us if we call out to him? Can he really save my wretched soul? I have so much talent and skill, my fiance is so smart and funny, why is it that there has to be so much suffering.

I don’t want to not wake up anymore – I don’t want to face tomorrow anymore. I don’t want to fight anymore. God gave me everything I ever wanted but ripped it all away at the same time. Who would want to live if that happened? If God gave you everything you ever dreamed of, that you prayed for years for through all your pain and misery – if he gave you all that you wished for when you were left for dead at the floor of a psych ward time and time again would you really want to live if he took it all away?

Wherever you are, God, I ask, I pray that you find me now before I take my life.

Stay tuned.